


i love your voice but i hate when you speak

by eloquentlyphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Phanfiction, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:31:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6318376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquentlyphan/pseuds/eloquentlyphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it becomes increasingly difficult for dan to accept his affections towards phil and even more difficult for him to accept that phil doesn't feel the same way. it leads him to think that moving out would be a good idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i love your voice but i hate when you speak

**Author's Note:**

> genre: angst, dear god so much angst im so sorry. i mean it does get a bit fluffy but mostly,, no  
> warnings: none. just a bunch of sad dan and unrequited love  
> word count: 1,525  
> a/n: so this is my first one shot, i hope you like it !! it took me forever to write bc im a perfectionist but i'm actually really happy with it. pls pls pls send me prompts on my tumblr (eloquentlyphan) and what not as i run out of ideas really quickly. thanks for reading!! (it means a bunch, honest)  
> ((if you know the title reference then props to u kiddo))

have you ever felt complete ecstasy? an overwhelming feeling of bliss, of serenity, of euphoria? a feeling that makes you want to capture the moment, bottle it, frame it, keep it in any which way you can and never let it go? that's how dan felt when he stepped off the train at manchester and stepped into phil's arms – enveloped in a musky scent that he'd sworn he'd known forever and a warmth that could only be described as 'home'. before they had met, dan had repeatedly told himself that he hadn't fallen for a 22 year old he had met on the internet, and as he looked into phil's eyes for the first time, properly looked, without the pixellated boundary of a computer screen or the prospect that he may never get to look into the eyes he was currently lost in, he told himself again – but only this time he knew he was lying. 

it became suffocating. he knew internalising his affections would be the best option and, naturally, he thought they would just leave – that he'd grow out of them or push them far enough away they'd just give up and leave. unfortunately for dan, this didn't happen. it had looked promising at the start, back when they only met up so sparsely that he forced himself not to think about phil when they were apart. but now, 6 years on, phil was at every corner he turned, he had become like an extra limb, the second half of his brand, the literal 'phil' to his 'dan' and it became...suffocating. not like he didn’t love it, he did, he really did, almost too much – and there lies the problem. dan was almost emotionally dependent upon phil at this point – if phil would go on a date, dan would become melancholic and sleep all day, if phil complimented him, he would become cheery and full of energy. every move phil made determined his mood and, well, it was incredibly unhealthy, especially considering that phil had no duty to be burdened with this kind of responsibility, he was only his best friend for god's sake. 

it was a thursday. 

“phil”  
“yeah?”  
“i'm in love with you”  
“oh”

done. done so quick dan hadn't felt like he'd done it at all. it was routine and it was simplistic and it was everything that represented them as a pair and he couldn't even conceive how else he could have done it. he could have just never done it at all, and just let his feelings crawl from his chest and grip at his neck harder and with more vigour every time phil looked especially endearing or whenever he wore his glasses or whenever he gave him that look when he made a bad pun. but dan had always had a low pain tolerance. 

he wasnt sure why he chose this particular day to ruin his friendship with phil. it wasn't the weather, it was raining. it wasn't his mood, he was pessimistic 98% of the time and this was no exception. he expected it to happen as a result of alcohol pushing the words out of his resisting lips or during one of their deep reflective conversations lay on phil's bed that usually take place after a milestone in one or both of their lives. but no. within 15 minutes of waking up on this fateful day, dan actually said it. out loud. for probably the first time. 

he wasn't sure of the reaction he would receive. obviously, he was hoping for a reciprocation, or at least an indication of one. at least, he thought, that 'oh' was better than 'thank you' as at least phil had the decency to let him know that being loved by him was not a compliment. of course it wasn't, it was nothing but a nuisance, a big fat heap of inconvenience, an undoubtable annoyance - and no one knew that better than dan. but little did dan know that one syllable could be so damning. 2 letters that left him so lifeless, so heart broke, so... numb. 

he figured that's why he didn't react. he just plodded to his room, like any other day, and lay on his bed, his laptop heating his thighs. emails were answered, video ideas brainstormed and social media perused, and within an hour, the incident had been pushed to the back of his mind. he was unaware if this was because he was over it or because he wanted to forget it ever happened – most would argue the latter. 

evening broke and there was a knock at his bedroom door, and he knew. phil cautiously peeping his head round, eyes wide and filled with fear, confirmed what was about to happen. he wasn't ready for it yet, he hadn't prepared his apology, or mustered up an excuse that would erase it all, he didn't have the energy to cry. almost tiptoeing across dan's bedroom, phil eventually, and especially delicately, sat on the edge of dan's bed and dan swore he could see a tremor in phil's careful hand, which he had placed so lightly on the sheets.

“you know why i'm here” he spoke, the words gentle and almost fragile in a way – seeming like they could break at any given moment. all dan could do was nod in response.

“i mean to be honest dan, i dont know what to say to you because you know i love you but, but not like that” he began, his voice faultering with each word, “i just needed to talk to you because we need to clear the air.” he breathed and looked from the bedsheets to dan “and i was worried about you, obviously” dan's chest tightened. he hated him for being so thoughtful, he hated him for being so considerate and loving and most of all he hated that he didn't hate him for these reasons at all, in fact, they had quite the opposite effect. and that's what he hated. he hated that phil's words alone could make or break him. he hated being so vulnerable. 

“i'm sorry.” dan shook. “i'm so so sorry that me and my shitty feelings have dragged you into this mess. i've fucked it. i've completely fucked everything we've worked so hard on for years and i -” he sniffed, avoiding phil's eyes this entire time “i don't know what to do phil, i can't live like this”

phil moved his hand so that it rested on dan's, and began caressing it with his thumb. “hey, don't be stupid, it's not your fault. yes, things are going to be difficult but it's gonna be okay”

dan wasn't stupid, it would never go back to how it was. he knew they'd both flinch whenever they touched, he knew that there'd be no more midnight netflix binges under phil's sheets and that their chemistry both on and off camera would be laced with tension. and that's not how he wanted to go on. life with phil as he knew it was over, so now he needed to make the next step.

“i'm moving out, phil.” he sounded like he had given up all hope at this point.  
“dan, no.” dan had sworn he'd never heard his name spoke with so much emotion before and it ruined him. “we've built up so much together, you can't just leave.”

“why, phil? it's not as if we aren't capable of living alone.”

and then it happened. in one swift movement, lips were touching lips, arms were wrapped around bodies and in that moment, dan believed he had stepped out of reality. yeah, he'd kissed phil before, but only in stupid dares or drunken games of spin the bottle – this wasn't forced, this was real and it was intimate and it was lovely. or was it? dan sprung back with vigour as the taste of falsehood and betrayal poisoned his lips.

“do not do this to me, phil.” his words thick with angst and pent up emotion, “do not fuck me up like this. i know this isn't real, i know you're only doing this so i'll stay. don't you fucking dare exploit my feelings like this.”

phil began to pepper kisses across dan's face and neck and did so with a great degree of delicacy, “would i ever?” he continued his actions and dan shivered. “c'mon, you need sleep. let's sleep” he concluded his sentence by pecking dan's nose and to that, dan couldn't decline. “we can talk in the morning.”

they changed into their pyjamas and climbed into dan's bed, wrapped up into one another so tightly, they were almost one person. “you're not going, okay? we need each other. trust me” phil whispered as he placed a gentle kiss onto dan's forehead, “trust me.”

-

in the morning things were different, but not as expected. this was certainly not the beginning of their fairytale ending. phil woke to an empty bed and a half empty apartment. dan had always had trust issues.

~fin

A/N: shameless self promo here, follow my tumblr !! it's eloquentlyphan (shocker) n send me prompts n stuff for me to write, thankssss. also, im definitely up for writing another chapter of this or like an epilogue or something if the ending is too open for some of u lol, or maybe u like that it's unresolved. idk. comment your thoughts i'd love to know !!


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